sports fandom
I grew up playing multiple sports. The seasons were easily split between "summer" and "winter" so every year, I would rotate between at least two but usually more. I started as a ringette player who eventually transitioned to hockey. In the summers, I would always swim competitively until I moved right before high school started and summers turned into an extra training block for off-ice focus. Hockey was my favourite sport to play, but when I was a kid, I didn't often watch sports. I liked the Olympics and I liked watching the World Juniors but both of those felt more like an event than a love of watching sports. I'd watch videos of my team to learn more about the game, but for me, everything felt instinctual. It always bothered me that I couldn't explain or remember how I did something. It just happened. I was a good hockey player, making it onto provincial teams, but I was a horrible skater who was never going to make national rankings. After a series of concussions, I had no choice but to quit, and then switched over to rowing, with the main goal of a college scholarship and less brain risk. I got the scholarship, then burnt out of the sport with a bad team and a shitty team doctor. Now as an adult, tennis is the sport I play the most. I have goals of running more and maybe getting into triathlon, but tennis is my go-to if it isn't a cardio or weight workout.
The point of this post is that I am not sure if I actually like watching sports or if I ever have. I am trying to spend less time on Tumblr, which is almost an embarrassing statement. The embarrassment is what is actually the main focus here. I feel weird amounts of guilt about liking hockey the most. I tried getting into basketball. I tried watching tennis, which is probably my second favourite to watch as well. But with Tumblr, watching sports becomes something else. It isn't as much about technique or tactics or results. It's about the players and who they are, what aspects we can project onto them. There's an RPF group which I have no interest in getting into here. But the main focus is on the athletes and "who they are" and what they look like. I used to make tons of gifs. So many I don't even want to think about the number. This month I deleted Photoshop from my laptop and hope to not make one gif. It feels like something I'm missing. I'll watch a match and see a moment-a shot or close-up or post-match interview-and immediately want to gif it. But why? Tumblr has turned into a very heavy like not reblog website, which means interactions are low and not getting notes feels like a waste of time. I like women's tennis more so there's another layer since most people only care about the men. I don't have issues with people who primarily watch sports because they like the athletes or think they're hot. I truly don't care. But to me, it feels like a waste of time to make so much content without any reward or interactions. There's a few people online I talk to, but either they want to focus on the negatives or feel like sports should be reduced to the on-court content only, which makes me feel silly for caring about athletes as people. The answer is probably less internal shame, but part of me thinks that if I am not actively making gifs/edits about matches, I have way less interest in watching them, which means I don't actually care about tennis. Hockey is different. The Tumblr fandom is popular still, with lots of people making gifs/edits for most of the bigger teams and players. My taste does not reflect the popular opinions at all and fandom has turned into these buzzy statements about feminizing men and making them "good people". I struggle with this because, with professional male sports, there's at least one new case of domestic violence a week. I hate when fandom turns into a moral competition but there's so much work being presented online about how x player is good because he isn't y player and it is exhausting. Hockey is still the only sport that I will watch any team play. I feel guilty about not enjoying the new women's league as much as I'd like to, but I grew up playing with a bunch of players and their new acceptance of hitting makes me nervous. It's exhausting that women's sports only matter when it becomes closer to men's or as a charity case to believe in. There's no right way to care about sports, believe me, I know, but I selfishly want sports to be something enjoyable, and not this constant battle of guilt and is this worth it?